I’d been going to bed for two weeks, praying that I’d wake to contractions starting. At 2:30 am I woke up feeling a bit wet. When I got up to go to the bathroom more liquid came out and I was pretty sure that meant my water had broken. I went back to bed and returned to the bathroom two more times, now certain enough to text my midwives. They told me to try to sleep and conserve my energy. I didn't wake Chris because I wanted him as rested as he could be, knowing I'd need his energy and support later. I was able to stay laying in bed, but the contractions started right away and were consistently 10 minutes apart, so I “rested” but definitely couldn't sleep any more!
At 6:30 am the contractions were starting to get too uncomfortable to just lay there. I tried to eat some breakfast, knowing that I’d need the energy, but I really didn’t feel like it (which is entirely unlike me!). At 7:30 my contractions were between 4-5 minutes apart, so I updated my midwives and decided to start gathering our things to head out to the birth center (Bella Vie Gentle Birth Center). The contractions were pretty painful at this point, and I was having to stop and lean over something every time they came. Just as we were about ready to leave, I got a sudden urge to throw up. I made it to the bathroom just in time, and got rid of everything I’d eaten that morning... shoot. It took awhile for me to feel comfortable enough to get in the car, and once I did, the contractions were even stronger.
We ended up making it out to Bella Vie at 9:30. Checking for dilation isn’t something they automatically do, but I was really curious. I knew whatever they found wasn’t all that indicative of how much time was left, but I still wanted to know... 4-5 cm... long ways to go still. We decided to go outside and walk around the yard to see if we could speed things up a bit. All I wanted to do was lean over things and have Chris apply counter pressure to my hips when the contractions came. There was a picnic table and a fence, so essentially I just walked between the two each contraction, but I was pretty uncomfortable, and it was also pretty hot out, so I’d had enough of that after about 30 minutes.
One (of many) reason I liked Bella Vie, was knowing I had the option of a waterbirth. I knew I wanted to try laboring in the tub, and wanted the option of delivering in the water if that was most comfortable. While I was laboring in the tub, Meredith (my midwife) or Hannah (my student midwife) would check the baby’s heart rate periodically. (It feels so weird to say “the baby” at this point because I know him so well as Des now!).
I'm so thankful Meredith had such a calm but matter of fact demeanor. Chris asked how much of an emergency it was, and she told him to just move quickly, but if it were a true emergency, she'd have him running to get the car, or an ambulance on the way. I know God was giving me peace, because looking back, I feel like I had every reason to be more concerned than I was. The contractions were keeping me pretty occupied though. Chris drove to the hospital and it seemed like the longest 20 minutes of my life. Meredith was in the back seat for support, and to help get us checked in quickly upon arrival. I'm also so thankful that she was there as my advocate, to communicate my wishes to the doctor and nurses while Chris was caring for me, and I wasn't always able to think clearly or even speak at some points. God blessed us with a great doctor and nurses who were respectful of the way I wanted to approach labor, and allowed Meredith to play an active role, even though we were on their turf, so to speak.
We arrived at the Salem Hospital at 3:30 pm. It was all I could do to make it into our room between contractions. I continued to labor while standing over the bed and asking (demanding!) that someone apply counter pressure on my hips during every contraction. Between Chris, Meredith, and Hannah, that continued to happen, and it felt like the only thing getting me through. When I was checked a few hours after arriving and told that I was at a 7, and that it would still be a few more hours, I felt so defeated! At this point I had been laboring medication free for 16 hours, and I was seriously starting to question my strength and ability to hang on. My birth team gave me affirmation in my doubt, and reassured me that I was fully capable of having my baby the way I had been planning. Desmond's heart rate continued to be monitored closely, and I continued to pray that he'd come without need for intervention.
I hit transition around 8:15 pm. Contractions were so intense, and coming so quickly, yet I was somehow going into a weird, almost sleeplike state within myself between each one. I was so exhausted. I think my body was doing all it could to relax and prepare before I was shocked back into the present with the immense pressure of another contraction. I did my best to control my breath and exhale with power. I was not very quiet, and apparently kept apologizing for growling like a bear, and for burping. Those kind of things are really hard to control in a time like that!
At this point, Chris had my hands in his, as I squatted on a birthing ball and leaned on the bed. I squeezed and pushed so hard against him as I grit through each contraction. I couldn't have done it without him. Seriously. On a side note, a benefit of giving birth without medication was the position it put me in to lean on the Lord and Chris. I was the one laboring, but Chris wasn't just on the side watching. He played a huge role in Desmond's birth. We did it together, and he never wavered as he supported me through it all (he even cut the cord!).
Meredith could tell I was losing the ability to "stay ahead" of the contractions and asked if it would help to play some music or try to sing through them. I couldn't fathom singing to anything at that moment, but Chris was quick to pull out his phone and start playing Hillsong's album, Wonder. I had been listening to it on repeat all summer, and getting teary every time the song Wonder would play. Here's how the song begins if you're not familiar with it:
"Have you ever seen the wonder
In the glimmer of first sight?
As the eyes begin to open
And the blindness meets the light"
Talk about fitting lyrics! The album opens with this song, so as soon as I heard it start to play, I was flooded with emotion. I focused on the words as they came out of my mouth with shaky energy, and I was filled with peace and a new sense of awe at what my body was doing. I was doing the work to allow a glimmer of first sight. I was going to witness my baby's blindness meeting the light. God was with me, and giving me strength to continue. Though she didn't know the song, Meredith joined in humming the tune. Second to holding Desmond in my arms for the first time, this was the most beautiful part of my labor -- singing together, while being the weakest I had ever felt, but also the strongest I had ever had to be. I only had conscious recollection of a few more songs before the rest of the album became a blur. It led me right into the pushing time.
I was having to fight hard not to push. I was instructed not to, because it was negatively affecting Desmond's heart rate. Getting the go ahead was the best news ever. I was SO ready! I pushed for four to five sets of contractions, but as he descended farther into the birth canal, his heart rate continued to drop. The doctor said it shouldn't stay that low, but that an episiotomy and one more push is all it would take. "One more push" was all I needed to hear, and before I knew it, he was in my arms!
9:33 pm. 7lbs 4 oz, 20.25 in. Perfect.
19 hours since my water broke and contractions started, and 16 hours of active labor. It really was the most amazing and rewarding moment I've ever experienced. Years of praying, months of growing, and almost a full day of labor, and he was finally there. Everything was right.
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I'm so thankful Hannah took pictures as I was pushing (she finally got relieved from "counter pressure duty", poor girl!) because I was so overwhelmed with pushing and then holding Des, that I couldn't take in all the details. Looking back at these helped me process exactly how it happened, and also have a visual of Desmond's debut (read the caption under the second photo).
A note regarding these pictures: Most of them I couldn't even consider putting on the internet, because I'm very exposed and cared only about having him in my arms, not covering up. I've majorly cropped/added clip art as censorship, and despite the rawness and major vulnerability I feel in sharing them, I also can't help it because they represent so much love. Love from Chris as he was my ROCK, and love for Desmond as I worked SO hard to bring him into this world. Birth is messy and beautiful, and I'm so proud of what my body was able to do.
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| It's hard to see due to the bad lighting and fuzziness from cropping, but the cord was wrapped twice around Desmond's arm and leg. That's the reason for his decelerated heart rate during contractions. It was being pulled so tight! |
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| the BEST moment |
Though I didn't intend to give birth at the hospital, I'm thankful for the peace of mind it gave, and the medical back up it provided in case we needed it. My wish may have been to give birth in water, in a quaint and comfy bedroom at Bella Vie, but at the end of the day it only mattered that Des was safe and in my arms. I was so thankful that my midwives were able to support me through all of it, and that the doctor and nurses were wonderful. We stayed for 24 hours, and then I chose to go back to Bella Vie. I had spent half the day laboring there, and my entire pregnancy envisioning home cooked meals, an herbal bath, and a big cozy bed where we could snuggle and get to know our sweet boy, together. It just felt right to go back. It was the perfect closure. My only regret is not getting the classic "new family" picture in bed at the hospital OR Bella Vie. I'm going to say we were just doing a great job of being present and enjoying the moment in real time.
There it is. This is Desmond's birth story. I wrote it, not for the purpose of sharing, but because I want to be able to look back on it and remember all the details. I want to be able to go back to the moment when I first brought him up as close as I could to my face to kiss his still damp head, and look into his eyes for the first time. Writing this took me back to that place, and I hope that reading these words for years to come, will always do the same.
